Memorial website in the memory of your loved one
In loving memory of my husband, Brian John Alden.


Brian was born in Toronto, Ontario, Canada on April 18, 1959.  

Brian took his own life on April 27, 2005 at the age of 46, near Winnemucca, Nevada, USA

"The time came, when the pain it took to stay, was greater than the pain it took to go." 
  
                                                     ~ ~~   ~~~

Brian's Memorial Page
http://vickibrian.wolfnhawkenterprises.com/

Brian's Memorial video on YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0zn_se2sKg


                                                    ~~~ ~~~
WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS ACHE?

My mind's eye can see you so clearly. I want to reach out & touch you. ...hold you...feel your arms around me. ...have you kiss my neck.
What do I do with this ache?
Our last sweet words to eachother were "I love you". I will forever be grateful for that.
Then you slipped away into a darkness of no return. You walked through the door of despair to never come back to me again. 

I have searched my mind time & time again for signs. Gone over ever conversation we had. I know it wasn't me or us. It was a monster inside of you that won....but my loss was so great. Your loss was your life.

On Apr 25/05, at 4:30 pm, we had one of our many phone conversations. I knew you were feeling depressed.
I was so ill with pneunomia. You were checking on me alot. We talked....I told you the news of yet another creditor after us. I recall saying "I don't need this shit". I meant that I didn't need her bugging me when I was so ill. Now I wish I could take back those words so you could not take them wrong.
We finished talking...but you sounded so down.
Our call ended with "I love you"

I never heard from you again that day. I was trying to sleep & get better...so time slipped away with me.
But the monster came after you while I slept.

The next day around noon, I tried getting you on the cell. No luck. I figured you were sleeping or in having a shower at the truckstop. I tried again when you never called back. Things started to not feel right then.
We always talked...several times a day.
Around 4pm, I was getting very upset. I left a message telling you I was going to call work.
I was hoping that would pull you out of your funk & you'd call me so others wouldn't be in our business.
We have always been so private
No luck...work didn't want to take me serious that something was wrong.
They figured you were mad at me. That made me mad. They didn't know us. No matter what we always talked. You may have been grumpy but we always talked.

I had to talk to someone. I went to our message board. I started a post called "I need help worrying"
That was at 4:45 pm Tues afternoon. the 26th. Friends started talking to me. Giving me logical reasons why you hadn't called. I wasn't buying any of them. They don't know how we worked. How you would have stopped somewhere to call me if the cell was dead or broken. You would have moved mountains to call me if you could.
You couldn't....the monster was entertaining you. Luring you. Taunting you. Telling you all would be well.

In the next 4 hours work finally started to take me serious. Something was wrong.
You had even called your delivery that you should have made that morning in San franciso.
You hadn't fueled in Reno. No sign of you. The satelite was showing our truck in Carlin NV.
I got the state police to do a check. No sign of the truck.
By then all kinds of things were going through my mind.
Your anger at the world! Had you finally ticked someone off & they beat you up?
No, the monster had you. Luring you deeper & deeper. Soothing you with peaceful dreams.

The police came here around 9pm. They wanted a picture of you & your tattoo. It was going out on the wire. You were officially missing.
Where can you hide 75 ft of truck.?
Others drivers from our company were looking for you. They knew what our truck looked like. It should have stuck out like a sore thumb.
The monster hid the truck. It was telling you where to go.

Friends kept talking to me on the message board. They never left my side.
The monster never left yours. It was closer to you than they were to me.
I was lost & alone in my fear....trying to push away what my mind was letting me know.

We were always so connected. We always joked about reading eachother's mind.
I knew. I knew the monster had you. But here I was 2500 miles from you. No excuse. I should have been able to find you...pull you back to me.

Friends are still talking...the phone is ringing. It's the police. More questions. They want dental records.
I want you found NOW. 

Midnight Molly comes here. I am not alone but I am alone. Alone in the fear that is gripping my heart so bad. Everyone is praying. everyone is trying to be positive.
I know the monster has you.

The night was long. We all stayed on line all night. I couldn't rest. 
The post reached over 2300 replies of people helping in less than 24 hours
Ruth got here around noon. Her & Molly wanted to get me out of the house for a break.
Take the cell phone...use call forward. Ok, I let them drag me out.

Coming home, I seen the OPP cars on all the corners. That's odd I thought. I recall that so well. But never thought anymore of it until.....I pulled into our laneway. There were more cars here
I didn't want to get out of the car. They kept saying "Vicki, we have to talk to you"
I kept screaming no. I don't want to hear you.
They made me listen. They made me hear how the monster slashed your wrist & then walk in front of a train at 8:10 that very morning
My nightmare began. Life as I knew it ended. The monster got you. 


                                                           ~~~   ~~~

About the song "Meadowland"

Brian & I shared the love of Russian classical music. It was always a joke that our song was the Volga Boatman, (the Russian Funeral March)
There's a long funny story behind it, and he says that is why he fell in love with me. 

Now more about "Meadowland"

May 5, 2005

Anyhow, since this all tragedy started I have had one pc of music run thru my mind at my calm moments...it is called the Meadowland. (russian classical)

Well tonight, I took upstairs about 20 John Wayne movies for him to watch...he & Brian were the Duke fans.
I had no idea what movie he picked ok...
So Addie & I have been downstairs here on the puters....Norman has been watching away.
I went upstairs....the moment I walked into the room....on the movie he picked "Jet Pilot" , the Meadowland started to play.
I almost fell over.
so I was able to have a nice relaxing soak...(thanks TZ) and come down here & then play the song for Addie. I actually got through it without sobbing, ...I let my heart & soul take me to Brian with our love...and could see him just so mellow listening to it. I saw peace in his eyes. 

           ~~   ~~ ~~ ~~  ~~  ~~  ~~  ~~  ~~  ~~  ~~  ~~  ~~  ~~  ~~  ~~ ~~ 
Our favourite things were photography...of sunsets, sunrises & wildlife. 
I have used some of our sunset pictures to tell our story. 

Brian's favourite character was Taz. Mine is Eeyore. So Taz & Eeyore were always together. 
We always decorated our truck for special occassions. ...of course Taz & Eeyore were on the grill. 
They joked at Disney about not allowing Taz in. 
Brian even wore a Taz pin on his funky Santa hat. 
I loved how he looked in that special edition hat. Brian could pull of anything. ..
wear any type of sunglasses or hats. He just looked great. 
How I miss his humour. 
(still working on what I want to say)

I'll love & miss Brian forever. 

He's missed also by his 2 biological sisters, Elizabeth & Hestor & their families. 
Also missed by his adopted sister  & brother, Christine & Ted.
Brian left 2 sons & one stepson & 4 grandchildren (that he felt like his own).

The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives. ~ Albert Schweitzer

Tributes and Condolences
Christmas 2016   / Vicki (wife)
The holiday season doesn't get easier with years. I'm always at a loss of words but they fill my heart & mind. It's just hard to put them into words.
I watch all our favourite Christmas shows but end up crying missing you even more.
...  Continue >>
Anniversary 2016   / Vicki (wife)
Loving & missing you on our anniversary.
Always Your Vicki xx
11 years   / Vicki (wife)
My eyes opened at 4:18 this morning. Every fiber of my body wishes we could have pulled you back...kept you with us.
Loving & missing you ...to infinity & beyond.
Always Your Vicki
Birthday 2016   / Vicki (wife)
I had a great smile remembering your 40th...and all the things we did or should I say surprised you with.
I miss you so very much. I wish you were here.
Happy Birthday My Love
Loving & Missing you.
Always Your Vicki xoxoxoxo...  Continue >>
2016  / Vicki (wife)
Another year starts without you.
Loving & missing you.
Always Your Vicki
Our Anniversary 2015  / Vicki (wife)    Read >>
father's day soon.  / Harrison Alden (son)    Read >>
10 years  / Vicki (wife)    Read >>
Happy Birthday 2015  / Vicki (wife)    Read >>
Always in my heart, my friends  / T. Z. (always a friend )    Read >>
Christmas 2014  / Vicki (wife)    Read >>
Our Anniversary June 26 2014  / Vicki (Wife)    Read >>
I miss you dad  / Harrison Alden (son)    Read >>
9 Yrs  / Vicki (Wife)    Read >>
Happy Birthday 2014  / Vicki (wife)    Read >>
More tributes and condolences...
Click here to pay tribute or offer your condolences
His legacy
Valentine's Day, Stardust & Comets 2011  
The latest news about Stardust gave me a reason to smile today.
Stardust will encounter Comet Tempel 1 today.

Here's a recap on the other Stardust story that made me smile.

Stardust Memories...Returns to earth JAN 2006

STARDUST CAPSULE RETURNS

I AM SO EXCITED....YES ME EXCITED

Hi friends I am actually so excited about the oddest thing.
Stardust Capsule is due to land back on Earth this coming Sun Jan 15.
Here is why it excites me.
Brian was so into space travel & all the wonders of the universe. He wanted to go into space so very bad.
So one of my "peaceful" thoughts since his death is that he now can do this. When I talk out loud to him I am always asking him about the wonders of the universe...asking him what he is seeing etc. I even tease him about the last few nights & not having any stars out. Told him to give them back.
OK...to the finer points of my excitement. Stardust Capsule is expected to plummet back to Utah.
The brightest spot will be over Carlin Nevada.
It is just outside Carlin Nevada that Brian took his life. And Utah holds so many special memories for us.
Call me silly but I am just in awe that the brightest spot will be over Carlin. I just know that comet dust will trickle down & land on where he died. Comet dust from the beginning of time.
When I read that I felt such a tug on my heart....that it's some kind of sign from Brian. (I know we can take anything we want as signs...)
A funny part of sharing this with some friends is how we all thought the same thing...we could picture riding that capsule in fine cowboy form....doing some yeeeeeee hawwwwwwws.

Oh Honey I love & miss you so much.
Always Your Vicki
Brian's Loves  

Brian had many loves...I was top of the list. 

One of his main loves were hawks. 
I love wolves....so together we became WolfnHawk.
Our first Christmas together brought Brian a special surprise. 
He was in the shower...I yelled "Honey, come quick!"
Sitting outside our livingroom window was this hawk. 
Believe it or not...the second Christmas morning...the
hawk was back. 
This hawk visited us many times. Sadly, it died when it hit our window. 
I went out in the morning to feed the birds. He was laying under the bushes in the snow. 
I called Brian. Brian said I should get him. I told him I had already done it. Both of us knew right away we wanted to keep him. 
We had it taxidermed because we loved him. 
But this is him wild & free..that first Christmas morning.




When we got the second computer, Brian had to take another name. 
He became LightningHawk.  I always teased him & called him ChickenHawk.  I even had him listed as that on my IM. 

Speaking of computers....we'd sit beside eachother at the puter table. 
We'd send loving little emails or IM's to eachother. 
It broke my heart when his laptop crashed after he died.  I hadn't backed up files & lost everything of his.

Another love we shared was photography. I remember the first time he came here & seen my collection of sunrise/sunsets pictures on the wall. 
It didn't take us long to add our own to that. 
We both carried our 35mm cameras everywhere we went. 
Brian was thrilled when he got the huge lens. He called it "Bertha". 






   ~~~~~     ~~~~~


Forever "Brina" 

Those that know & love Brian know the "Brina" story.

I was forever making a typo on his name. ...it became Brina.
It stuck.
Friends on the message board we were on started calling him that also.
He was even called that by some in person at the get togethers.

I even suggested he legally change his name to Brina.

So, if you notice his name spelled Brina on this site...
it's done with love & smiles. 


~~~~~   ~~~~~

The Bald Head & the Mini Donkey

I want to share this since folks have been looking at
Brian's memorial page.

When Brian turned 40, he wanted to shave his head.
I hated it. We joked back & forth about it all the time.

Anyway...2 good friends of our got breast cancer at the sametime.
All of us gals were wearing pink for them.
Brian & I were shopping....he says to me that he wants to support
them.
I looked at his face & went "Oh no you don't. You just wanna shave
your head to bug me again".
He was laughing so hard because he knew he had me over a barrel.

So off we go to get his head shaved. I did the first swipes with the razor
while the hairdressers took pics.
They were all laughing because everytime we went in there, they had to
check with me how short she could cut Brian's hair.
It was a standard joke he wanted to shave his head.
It went on for years.

So, the pics in his memorial album are just a few weeks before his death.
Doing his thing to honour & support our friends.
The pink pup was a mascot for one...
the kohola was the mascot for our friend in Australia.
They always travelled in our big truck with us.

I always wanted a mini donkey because I love Eeyore.
I told him if he shaved his head again, I was getting a
mini donkey.

Lots of our friends were in on it too.
In one pic, he is riding a mini donkey that friends in OK
sent home with usl

So the deal was this (forgive our warped humour)
If I died first, he'd show up at my funeral with a shaved head.
If he died first, I'd be at his with my mini donkey.

Sad to say...I couldn't bring my heart to get my mini donkey.
His death any other way may have let me....just not this way. 





~~~~  ~~~~~



Stardust Memories...Returns to earth JAN 2006 

STARDUST CAPSULE RETURNS

I AM SO EXCITED....YES ME, EXCITED

Hi friends, I am actually so excited about the oddest thing.
Stardust Capsule is due to land back on Earth this coming Sun Jan 15.
Here is why it excites me.
Brian was so into space travel & all the wonders of the universe. He wanted to go into space so very bad.
So one of my "peaceful" thoughts since his death is that he now can do this. When I talk out loud to him, I am always asking him about the wonders of the universe...asking him what he is seeing etc. I even tease him about the last few nights & not having any stars out. Told him to give them back.
OK...to the finer points of my excitement. Stardust Capsule is expected to plummet back to Utah.
The brightest spot will be over Carlin Nevada.
It is just outside Carlin Nevada that Brian took his life. And Utah holds so many special memories for us.
Call me silly, but I am just in awe that the brightest spot will be over Carlin. I just know that comet dust will trickle down & land on where he died. Comet dust from the beginning of time.
When I read that, I felt such a tug on my heart....that it's some kind of sign from Brian. (I know we can take anything we want as signs...)
A funny part of sharing this with some friends is how we all thought the same thing...we could picture riding that capsule in fine cowboy form....doing some yeeeeeee hawwwwwwws.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cm3Kl_8dkTk 

~~  ~~

              

 
Brian's Photo Album
I Always have his heart
Jump To:
Go to Album >> Open full-screen Slideshow >>
Transfer Photos into a Hardbound Book >>

Bring the memories home by publishing your online memorial as a genuine hardcover keepsake