Thanksgiving 2009  / Vicki (wife)

Missing you & Mom so very much.

I'm trying to smile thinking about her last pumpkin pie (our private joke) but it doesn't feel funny without you here.

Loving & missing you with every beat of my heart

Always Your Vicki

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Father's Day 2009  / Vicki (wife)

Thinking of you, Honey.

Remembering you being a great Dad & Grampa.

Loving & missing you,

Always Your Vicki

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4 years ago today  / Vicki (wife)

The tears have been heavy the last couple days...re-living your last few days.

That pain & horror never goes away.

My love for you never leaves either. 

Loving & missing you so much, Always Your Vicki

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Your Birthday....You would have turned 50 today  / Vicki (wife)

Honey, you should be here!!!!

I had some smiles today remembering your 40 th. I sure played some tricks on you.

Today I worked in your memory garden.  I found the oddest thing...a little birthday card tag.  It had a smiley face & balloons on it.  I smiled...I laughed..I held it to my heart. 

The tears are flowing.

I love & miss you so much.

Always Your Vicki

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Thanks to Vicki  / Jack Hards (none (my loss) )
Thank you so very much, Vicki, for sharing "your love with Brian" with me Close

My prayers are with you  / Ericka Roberts (None)

I just happened to come upon thise site by accident.  What a moving story.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I am so heartbroken that your husband took his life.  My husband's name is also Brian.  He is going through a hard time right now.  His father passed away.  This story moved me.  I know that I do not know you or you me...but I wanted you to know that I am praying for you...life will go on.

 

I realize it will never be the same.  It seemed that he loved you so much and couldn't bare you not being happy.  Please don't let his life be in vain.  Find happiness...if not for you then for him.  Keep praying for God to guide you through this.  Trials cometomake us stronger and to let your experience teach someone else.  I pray joy for you and love when you are ready agai.  God Bless.  Ericka

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Christmas 2008  / Vicki (wife)

Missing you so very much Honey.

My mind is filled with memories of all our holidays together.  They'll never be the same with you not here.

I keep watching for one of our hawks...not luck yet.

Loving & missing you,

Always Your Vicki

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A Double Sad Day Today  / Vicki (wife)

It's another Wed the 27th. They still get to me...make it so vivid.
It's been exactly 40 months today since you died.
40 months....
40 months since I've heard your voice....felt your touch ...or heard your laughter.
40 months of needing your arms around me & wanting to hear "I love you".

It was also 7 yrs ago today our sweet Brandy crossed the Rainbow Bridge.
I know you are together....but I wish we were all together.

40 months feels like a lifetime...yet feels like yesterday too.
The pain & sadness have felt like a lifetime.
The horror feels like yesterday.

I love & miss you so much.
Always Your Vicki

 

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Our Anniversary June 26, 2008  / Vicki (wife)

The tears have been flowing since last night .

Just now I was writing in my journal about our wedding day.  I'll never forget that picture of you....my handsome Groom on the Harley looking back at me...your Bride driving our big truck in my dress & heels.

I don't know if I can watch our wedding video.  It makes me ache for you & your touch even more...if that's possible.

It's so hard to wrap my mind around how long it's been since you've held me.

You know my thoughts.  I feel you close to me all of the time.

Loving you as much today as I did then.

Always Your Vicki

 

 

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Father's Day 2008  / Vicki (wfe)

I can only echo my words to you from last Father's Day.

Loving & missing you

Always Your Vicki 

 

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I will Walk for Brian  / Antonella (friend)
Dearest Vicki.
I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I hope this site has been a balm and comfort. I wanted you to know I will be walking in a very special event on the first night of summer. Thousands of people whose lives have been affected by suicide will walk the streets of Seattle to raise awareness for mental health and suicide prevention. All the proceeds from the walk are going to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

When I walk 20 miles on June 21, I will feel you walking beside me. I will hold your hand and share your tears. You and Brian will be in my heart. I am going to do a luminaria bag for Brian too so in his time of darkness he will be lighting the way of hope for others.

I am walking in the Overnight to come to terms with the deamon inside of me. I am going to show this demon that so many people care, that no matter how alone I feel, I am never going to walk this road of life alone.

Thank you Vicki for your courage and strength. You are keeping the memories alive and you are brave.

Always,
Antonella Close

3 Years Today....April 27, 2008  / Vicki (wife)

My heart is so heavy.

I cried & cried yesterday reliving those hours you were missing.

I re-read the "I need some help worrying" post.  All of those prayers from so many people....yet they didn't keep you safe.

All of those people who cared so much....where are they now? I've never felt so alone in my whole life.

How I wish I could reach back in time to keep you safe.

I love & miss you so much.  There's hardly a minute that you aren't on my mind.

Always Your Vicki

 

 

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Remembering you on your birthday  / Vicki (wife)

How I wish you were here to kiss, hold & say Happy Birthday to.

I love & miss you so much.  I'll never forget you ..never.

I spent the day working in your memory garden.

So many tears.......

Always Your Vicki

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My birthday & remembering  / Vicki (wife)

Today is my birthday.

I so clearly recall the last one we spent together.  We planted that little spruce tree for it. I turned 50.

I was feeling so sad that Mom wasn't there to celebrate my special year.  We planted the tree near her memorial garden.

Little did I know I'd have to make a memorial garden for you in exactly 2 weeks....and be planting a tree for you.

It may be 3 yrs...but the pain, sadness & missing you are constantly there.

Last night I was thinking about all my other birthdays with you.

We always went to DisneyLand. Such bittersweet memories.

I love & miss you so much,

Always Your Vicki

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Valentines Day 2008  / Vicki

The tears have really flowed today Honey.

I think back to how we always treated each other so special....not needing a certain day to do that.  Still it hurts to not have you here today.

It hurts to not have you everyday.

I was talking to one of our "trusted / true friends" today...that helped.  I was able to get some of my feelings out.

I love & miss you so much Honey.  That will never change.

Always Your Vicki

ps....still wearing your heart around my neck so it's close to mine.

 

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Thinking of you  / Diana &. Nakai H.
Vicki, just reading your diary inserts and feeling your sadness.  Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.  I know there are no logical answers for why things happen.  And I understand how your heart must hurt.  Lots of warm hugs.  From Nakai and Diana (RBAB) Close

New Years Eve 2007  / Vicki
I can hardly type through the tears. 
It's so hard to let go of another year.....
knowing I have to face a new one without you. 

It makes you feel more gone.  That's a feeling that's so hard to explain. 

Horrific nightmare this afternoon while I napped. They are so hard to shake.  But I have those even while I am wide awake. 

My best NYE memory was of 1999. 
I had been so sick & had to stay home that trip. We'd never been apart EVER until that trip. 
You left Boxing Day...went to the coast & you were back home by mid-afternoon New Years Eve day. 
You were so tired but we brought the new year in together...
kiss kiss night night...

I know without a doubt you loved me the same amount if not more the morning of Apr 27/05.   I will always ask how & why????
I don't care about the logic at those moments of asking.....
my heart hurts too much for logical answers. 

I love & miss you so much Honey, 
Always Your Vicki

See you under the stars at midnight my Love Close

Christmas 2007  / Vicki (wife)
I didn't want to open my eyes & face another christmas without you.
Electra came & gave me her morning kisses.  
I cried...I smiled. 
As I moved, I realized your shirt sleeve was wrapped around me again.....my hug. 
Crying as I type. 
I wish with every fibre I could yell "Honey, the hawk is here"
How many christmas mornings did he come to see us...a few in a row. 
Then he lost his life right here in front of our house. 

Odd thought, I just realized both of you are right here in the livingroom with me....in your earthly bindings so to speak. 

One of the other hawks was flying over yesterday. Maybe it will land in the willow & make me smile. 

A mind full of memories....a heart full of love yet full of tears. 
I miss you with all my heart & soul. 
Nothing erases the pain & missing..nothing. 



Always Your Vicki

(Our last christmas together...Disneyland )

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Dec 24, 2007 Hug Bernice for me  / Vicki (wife)
Honey, find Bernice for me....hug her..tell her I love her.
Bernice left this earth Dec 24, 1995. 
She had suffered so much her last year with cancer.  Her final 2 months were so painful for her. 
She had so much style & grace.  I hurt for her knowing how what it was doing to her. 

I felt she was giving us all a gift when she left....it was her way of saying she wasn't hurting anymore. 

I ask myself why I can never see your "death" with the comfort of knowing you aren't in pain anymore?
I guess the biggest difference is you are my love, my husband, my best friend.....and you ended your life in such a horrific way. 
That blocks any kind of peaceful thoughts I could have. 
Even all the good memories take me directly to your final moments. 

So many times I wish Bernice was here to have her to talk to about what you did.  To feel her comfort. 

Please hug her for me...but also prepare youself for the kick in the butt she'll give you also. 

Rest in Peace Bernice. 
I love you & miss you. 

Honey...my heart is breaking missing you. 
I love & miss you with every beat of my heart .
Always Your Vicki Close

Missing you so much  / Vicki (wife)
The ache of missing you never stops. 
I want to scream at the world & tell it you've been gone long enough....to long. 
I need you. 
I love, need & miss you so much. 
My heart is filled with sadness & pain. 
Always your Vicki

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