Brian Alden
(1959-2005)
Memorial website in the memory of your loved one
Tributes and Condolences
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Christmas 2008  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
Christmas 2008  / Vicki (wife)

Missing you so very much Honey.

My mind is filled with memories of all our holidays together.  They'll never be the same with you not here.

I keep watching for one of our hawks...not luck yet.

Loving & missing you,

Always Your Vicki

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A Double Sad Day Today  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
A Double Sad Day Today  / Vicki (wife)

It's another Wed the 27th. They still get to me...make it so vivid.
It's been exactly 40 months today since you died.
40 months....
40 months since I've heard your voice....felt your touch ...or heard your laughter.
40 months of needing your arms around me & wanting to hear "I love you".

It was also 7 yrs ago today our sweet Brandy crossed the Rainbow Bridge.
I know you are together....but I wish we were all together.

40 months feels like a lifetime...yet feels like yesterday too.
The pain & sadness have felt like a lifetime.
The horror feels like yesterday.

I love & miss you so much.
Always Your Vicki

 

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Our Anniversary June 26, 2008  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
Our Anniversary June 26, 2008  / Vicki (wife)

The tears have been flowing since last night .

Just now I was writing in my journal about our wedding day.  I'll never forget that picture of you....my handsome Groom on the Harley looking back at me...your Bride driving our big truck in my dress & heels.

I don't know if I can watch our wedding video.  It makes me ache for you & your touch even more...if that's possible.

It's so hard to wrap my mind around how long it's been since you've held me.

You know my thoughts.  I feel you close to me all of the time.

Loving you as much today as I did then.

Always Your Vicki

 

 

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Father's Day 2008  / Vicki (wfe)  Read >>
Father's Day 2008  / Vicki (wfe)

I can only echo my words to you from last Father's Day.

Loving & missing you

Always Your Vicki 

 

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I will Walk for Brian  / Antonella (friend)  Read >>
I will Walk for Brian  / Antonella (friend)
Dearest Vicki.
I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I hope this site has been a balm and comfort. I wanted you to know I will be walking in a very special event on the first night of summer. Thousands of people whose lives have been affected by suicide will walk the streets of Seattle to raise awareness for mental health and suicide prevention. All the proceeds from the walk are going to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

When I walk 20 miles on June 21, I will feel you walking beside me. I will hold your hand and share your tears. You and Brian will be in my heart. I am going to do a luminaria bag for Brian too so in his time of darkness he will be lighting the way of hope for others.

I am walking in the Overnight to come to terms with the deamon inside of me. I am going to show this demon that so many people care, that no matter how alone I feel, I am never going to walk this road of life alone.

Thank you Vicki for your courage and strength. You are keeping the memories alive and you are brave.

Always,
Antonella Close
3 Years Today....April 27, 2008  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
3 Years Today....April 27, 2008  / Vicki (wife)

My heart is so heavy.

I cried & cried yesterday reliving those hours you were missing.

I re-read the "I need some help worrying" post.  All of those prayers from so many people....yet they didn't keep you safe.

All of those people who cared so much....where are they now? I've never felt so alone in my whole life.

How I wish I could reach back in time to keep you safe.

I love & miss you so much.  There's hardly a minute that you aren't on my mind.

Always Your Vicki

 

 

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Remembering you on your birthday  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
Remembering you on your birthday  / Vicki (wife)

How I wish you were here to kiss, hold & say Happy Birthday to.

I love & miss you so much.  I'll never forget you ..never.

I spent the day working in your memory garden.

So many tears.......

Always Your Vicki

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My birthday & remembering  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
My birthday & remembering  / Vicki (wife)

Today is my birthday.

I so clearly recall the last one we spent together.  We planted that little spruce tree for it. I turned 50.

I was feeling so sad that Mom wasn't there to celebrate my special year.  We planted the tree near her memorial garden.

Little did I know I'd have to make a memorial garden for you in exactly 2 weeks....and be planting a tree for you.

It may be 3 yrs...but the pain, sadness & missing you are constantly there.

Last night I was thinking about all my other birthdays with you.

We always went to DisneyLand. Such bittersweet memories.

I love & miss you so much,

Always Your Vicki

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Valentines Day 2008  / Vicki   Read >>
Valentines Day 2008  / Vicki

The tears have really flowed today Honey.

I think back to how we always treated each other so special....not needing a certain day to do that.  Still it hurts to not have you here today.

It hurts to not have you everyday.

I was talking to one of our "trusted / true friends" today...that helped.  I was able to get some of my feelings out.

I love & miss you so much Honey.  That will never change.

Always Your Vicki

ps....still wearing your heart around my neck so it's close to mine.

 

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Thinking of you  / Diana &. Nakai H.   Read >>
Thinking of you  / Diana &. Nakai H.
Vicki, just reading your diary inserts and feeling your sadness.  Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.  I know there are no logical answers for why things happen.  And I understand how your heart must hurt.  Lots of warm hugs.  From Nakai and Diana (RBAB) Close
New Years Eve 2007  / Vicki   Read >>
New Years Eve 2007  / Vicki
I can hardly type through the tears. 
It's so hard to let go of another year.....
knowing I have to face a new one without you. 

It makes you feel more gone.  That's a feeling that's so hard to explain. 

Horrific nightmare this afternoon while I napped. They are so hard to shake.  But I have those even while I am wide awake. 

My best NYE memory was of 1999. 
I had been so sick & had to stay home that trip. We'd never been apart EVER until that trip. 
You left Boxing Day...went to the coast & you were back home by mid-afternoon New Years Eve day. 
You were so tired but we brought the new year in together...
kiss kiss night night...

I know without a doubt you loved me the same amount if not more the morning of Apr 27/05.   I will always ask how & why????
I don't care about the logic at those moments of asking.....
my heart hurts too much for logical answers. 

I love & miss you so much Honey, 
Always Your Vicki

See you under the stars at midnight my Love Close
Christmas 2007  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
Christmas 2007  / Vicki (wife)
I didn't want to open my eyes & face another christmas without you.
Electra came & gave me her morning kisses.  
I cried...I smiled. 
As I moved, I realized your shirt sleeve was wrapped around me again.....my hug. 
Crying as I type. 
I wish with every fibre I could yell "Honey, the hawk is here"
How many christmas mornings did he come to see us...a few in a row. 
Then he lost his life right here in front of our house. 

Odd thought, I just realized both of you are right here in the livingroom with me....in your earthly bindings so to speak. 

One of the other hawks was flying over yesterday. Maybe it will land in the willow & make me smile. 

A mind full of memories....a heart full of love yet full of tears. 
I miss you with all my heart & soul. 
Nothing erases the pain & missing..nothing. 



Always Your Vicki

(Our last christmas together...Disneyland )

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Dec 24, 2007 Hug Bernice for me  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
Dec 24, 2007 Hug Bernice for me  / Vicki (wife)
Honey, find Bernice for me....hug her..tell her I love her.
Bernice left this earth Dec 24, 1995. 
She had suffered so much her last year with cancer.  Her final 2 months were so painful for her. 
She had so much style & grace.  I hurt for her knowing how what it was doing to her. 

I felt she was giving us all a gift when she left....it was her way of saying she wasn't hurting anymore. 

I ask myself why I can never see your "death" with the comfort of knowing you aren't in pain anymore?
I guess the biggest difference is you are my love, my husband, my best friend.....and you ended your life in such a horrific way. 
That blocks any kind of peaceful thoughts I could have. 
Even all the good memories take me directly to your final moments. 

So many times I wish Bernice was here to have her to talk to about what you did.  To feel her comfort. 

Please hug her for me...but also prepare youself for the kick in the butt she'll give you also. 

Rest in Peace Bernice. 
I love you & miss you. 

Honey...my heart is breaking missing you. 
I love & miss you with every beat of my heart .
Always Your Vicki Close
Missing you so much  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
Missing you so much  / Vicki (wife)
The ache of missing you never stops. 
I want to scream at the world & tell it you've been gone long enough....to long. 
I need you. 
I love, need & miss you so much. 
My heart is filled with sadness & pain. 
Always your Vicki

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Nov 22...our very first real date  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
Nov 22...our very first real date  / Vicki (wife)
I will always remember Nov 22...our first real date.
We can been tag along inseperable friends for quite awhile.
We turned a corner.

I was on my way home from Los Angeles, CA.
You were on your way to Salt Lake City, UT on your
very first trip with MSM.

You decided to come work for them to be closer to me.

What a day.
I blew a tire down near Beaver, UT
It took forever to get fixed.
You were running hammer down to come see me.

We finally met up just south of SLC at the new movie place
where you had to deliver.

You came up to my truck....
I'll never forget that kiss.
Then you took a step backwards &
landed on your butt.

You said you FELL FOR ME.

The rest of the night was wonderful.
I will never forget.

The following day I left for TO.
You had a pickup in SLC.
I dragged my feet waiting for you.
I waited in Evanston, WY.

We ran back home together.

You gave me that card...
"Count the stars. ....
and then you'll know how
often I think of you."

Oops too late.!!!!!
Honey, all the sweet memories.
I wanted us to make so many more.

We went to the MSM xmas party on Sat night.
You were so handsome in your suit.
You made me feel like a beautiful model.
We looked great together.

I was just re-reading the card.
I kept a record of all our first on the back of it.

Tears....just so many tears. Close
Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day  / Vicki (wife)
National Survivors of Suicide Day

Grief and Mourning After Suicide
by Norman L. Farberow, Ph.D.

Bereavement for the loss of a loved one is a complex and idiosyncratic experience, with each person mourning at his own pace and in his own way; yet the process is surprisingly uniform. Survivors of deaths due to natural causes, accident, homicide or suicide experience comparable phases of shock, disbelief, protest, disorganization, yearning, and, eventually, reorganization. Similar feelings of depression, grief, anger, anxiety, guilt, physical symptoms and emotional distress develop.

Clinical observations, however, consistently confirm that the experience of surviving a loss to suicide is more difficult, more complicated, and more intense. Although many suicidal behaviors may precede a suicide, its suddenness will still shock. Death by suicide is frequently violent and bloody. Finding a loved one after a shot to the head, or having to cut down a hanging body may leave the family member with nightmares, severe anxiety, intrusive memories and other symptoms of post traumatic disorder. Feelings of abandonment and rejection are common in survivors who feel that the decedent willingly chose to separate, to leave behind loved ones and friends, to permanently and non-negotiably sunder bonds with spouse, parents, children and siblings. These feelings are hard to reconcile, and suicide survivors may be left with persistent, troubling concerns.

Surviving a loss to suicide is more difficult, more complicated, and more intense [than for any other loss].
Particularly the need to understand "why" drives survivors to search and review endlessly, hoping to find some logic in the act that will allow their feelings to be tolerated. In extreme cases, the need to find this answer may become an obsessional preoccupation that derails the bereavement process, while all too often death has made this answer inaccessible.

Clinical reports show that not only has the suicide branded the decedent as psychologically damaged, it has often left the survivor feeling stigmatized and defective. Survivors may have a potential for themselves dying by suicide because of the example set by the suicide of their loved one.

Other feelings frequently found in excess are guilt and anger. Guilt feelings may plague the survivor with questions of "what if" and thoughts of "if only". Constant rumination over the events leading up to the death may leave the survivor convinced it could have been averted if only he had said this, or done that. Sometimes the guilt is projected onto others, and therapists, lovers, or family scapegoats may be blamed. When survivors fix blame on an outside source, their intense anger may dismiss all sources of help, even for unrelated problems.

Suicide affects the readiness of the survivor to trust -- fears of abandonment may provoke hesitancy toward commitment to any subsequent relationship. Suicide death in our society is often a source of shame and embarrassment -- suicide survivors get less social support and experience more intense feelings of guilt than survivors of other modes of death. Feelings of stigma may cause the survivor to withdraw at the same time that social taboos on discussing suicide cause friends to feel awkward and uncomfortable. The end result is the absence of supportive and comforting friends who would customarily have made themselves more available for emotional and practical support at the time of a loss by death.

Not every survivor needs therapy, and not every therapist should treat survivors. Needs differ, so that some survivors react to the death by seeking therapy immediately, while others mourn for a long time and recover slowly. Some develop somatic conditions, which are directly or indirectly attributed to the loss; when the symptoms are unusual and unrelieved, treatment is indicated. Severe depression, intense guilt, self-blame and suicidal feelings and behavior may appear along with withdrawal from customary social networks. The therapist must be non-judgmental of any treatment the deceased received, and should not blame the family nor the suicide.

Treatment may be offered to individuals, groups, or to families. Family therapy is indicated when the suicide affects the family severely, disrupting its functioning and producing scapegoating, blaming and isolation. While there have been few systematic evaluations of these treatment modalities, group therapy is usually the treatment chosen, as it offers survivors opportunities to discuss their feelings in a sharing atmosphere, to find that their feelings were typical and normal, and to find care and support. The exchange of experiences in the group helps teach group members a variety of coping strategies. The feeling of helping each other often serves to relieve strong feelings of anger and frustration at not being able to help their loved one.

Despite the lack of research, it has been gratifying to see how quickly therapists have developed creative clinical responses to serve survivors who experience severe psychological distress. Bereavement, grief, mourning, and survivorship are all part of a new field that is only now being studied. There is much work to be done.

Dr. Farberow is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology) at the University of Southern California School of Medicine and a member of AFSP's Scientific Advisory Council. This article is reprinted from AFSP's Lifesavers newsletter.




Thinking of all who have lost a loved one to suicide. 

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Titmice.....and tears  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
Titmice.....and tears  / Vicki (wife)
Oh Honey....what a beautiful "gift" today. 
For so long the titmice haven't been here. 
I was talking to Molly on the phone & 2 appeared at the feeder. 

I know exactly what they meant. 
Thank you my Love. 

Here's the pic you took of them 

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The 27th......2 1/2 yrs how can this be?  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
The 27th......2 1/2 yrs how can this be?  / Vicki (wife)
Today is the 27th. 
It's been 2 1/2 yrs.  It can feel like yesterday everytime reality hits. 
That still happens many times a day.
The horror only leaves my mind for brief moments. 
Wednesday mornings & the 27ths ...what can I say?

Someone said (in a nasty way of course) that we were trying to make heroes out of our loved ones who died by suicide. 
Of course that person hasn't a clue....not a clue. 

You were loved.
You were alive. 
You are missed. 

You are still loved. 
You will always be missed. 

You, like others who died by suicide, died of an illness that couldn't be seen. That's one of the hard parts of even trying to understand. 

You were loved by so many. 
Always Your Vicki

ps....there's an injured hawk at the vets. I looked deeply into his eyes.

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Hi Honey  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
Hi Honey  / Vicki (wife)
I just had to say hi in here today. 
The rest is between you  & I. 

I love & miss you so much. 
Always Your Vicki

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I just don't know how  / Vicki (wife)  Read >>
I just don't know how  / Vicki (wife)
To Brian, 


I don't know how to put you in a place that is safe.
A place where you'll still know I love you.
I don't know how to miss you
without feeling my heart is breaking over & over.
I don't know how to put you in a place
where my heart still feels the love but
can start to heal.
I just don't know how! Close
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