Happy Anniversary Honey June 26, 2007 / Vicki (wife)Read >>
Happy Anniversary Honey June 26, 2007 / Vicki (wife)
Honey, I'm filled with sadness & aching for your touch. This was such a happy, fun & relaxing day for us. I don't know if I can watch our wedding video. I love seeing you smile, laugh, hold me & kiss me....but it's so hard to know I can't feel that anymore.
It's been such a hard hard week building to this. All our special days hurt even deeper.
I love you always. I can't imagine never feeling like I am your wife. In my heart, I will always be your bride. ...and you my handsome groom.
Happy Father's Day Honey / Vicki (wife)
Honey, Never for a minute should you have doubted that you were a wonderful Dad. It's sad the games someone played to come between you & the boys. They are following in her footsteps of lies & games. ...even worse than before. I know you watch from above feeling sick at their little games.
I am so sorry that Troy hurt you so badly for so long. Part of him was under her rule...but he was also old enough to know better.
I seen it eat away at you. I held you while you cried. I seen your disgust at the words said to you by them. I tried so hard to protect you from their hurt. ... to re-assure you that you were a great Dad. They know you were. Too bad they couldn't admit it when you needed to hear it the most.
I'll never forgive them for how they made you feel. They have to live with their own guilt. I live with the pain of losing you.
May 6 was your service / Vicki (wife)
2 yrs ago today was your service Honey. I was surrounded by people but there was no comforting me. My heart broke when our truck came in the yard. When Dale & Cathy handed me that little box of what use to be you....I wanted to die also. I held it to me close. For days after, I slept with it.
So many people around me that day... then to feel so alone after that.
I love & miss you so much Honey. Always Your Vicki
Autopsy Report Came Today / Vicki (wife)
Honey, I cried & cried as I read in horror. I just wanted to hold you. Now I need someone to hold me. God, I miss you so much. I know I will love you forever. Always Your Vicki
Brian's Angel Date / Susan McTier (Vicki's friend )Read >>
Brian's Angel Date / Susan McTier (Vicki's friend )
Brian, I never met you, but I feel that I know so much about you. Vicki is hurting so badly. Be with her, comfort her. I know that you and Tony have met and are having a grand ole time in Heaven. You were such a wonderful person and I am so sorry that you had to fight such demons of darkness. Vicki is a dear friend that I got to know because of our common bond with you and Tony. I will continue being her friend. Brian, wishing you all the peace that Heaven offers. Vicki's friend, Susan Close
Arpil 27 2005....how can it be 2 yrs? / Vicki (wife)Read >>
Arpil 27 2005....how can it be 2 yrs? / Vicki (wife)
Honey, Molly is here with me... just as she was 2 yrs. ( Her & Ruth were here. )
It feels so fresh. Both of us are taken back in time... to how that how time period played out.
Never in a million years would I be prepared for the police to tell me you took your life... not only took your life but in a such a horrific manner. That haunts me. My handsome husband destroyed in a many ways.
Folks on the BYC have been remembering you in a tribute. Your suicide touched so many lives that day. It's comforting for me to know friends still remember you. That good friends still care.
Everyday I pray for your peace. Everyday I tell you I love & miss you. We were Twin Flames... our flame of love will burn to infinity.
I miss you so much my Love. My heart is so heavy today. I have wonderful memories, but they make me cry. I wanted more time with you.... for us to make more memories.
I hurt for the pain you were in.
I love this line:
"His broken wings are now repaired and he shall soar"
Remembering my Dear Friend / Molly Marshbarry (Friend)Read >>
Remembering my Dear Friend / Molly Marshbarry (Friend)
I'm thinking a lot about Brian today and recalling so many fond memories - even if he did steal the heel of the cheese loaf when I had my mouth all set for it!!!!
My heart is full for you Vicki and my prayers are with you always - especially over the next couple of days.
My memory of April 26 & 27, 2005 is somewhat sketchy. I'm so grateful that Resa phoned me the evening of the 26th to tell me that Brian was missing - I had been at a meeting and I probably wouldn't even have turned the computer on. But, thanks to Resa's call, I could be here with Vicki that night and then Hosta arrived the morning of th 27th.
I remember all through the night of the 26th feeling we were hand in hand with so many people from the BYC & KC and how so many pulled together to try to help. I remember so many of you who sat up with us through the night and I remember Starshine's Webpage with pictures of Brian and the truck.
Although the end wasn't what we had all hoped and prayed for - I miss my friend Brian, I have to say that it was a real pleasure and privilege to have known him.
Prayers for you Vicki / Teresa Hennes (BYB)Read >>
Prayers for you Vicki / Teresa Hennes (BYB)
Our prayers go out for you on this day and everyday. Brian had to be one special man. We wish we would have known him. Let our prayers hold you up. Teresa and Jeff Close
To my frined Ki / Lizzie C. (friend of the board )Read >>
To my frined Ki / Lizzie C. (friend of the board )
Hugging you today Ki Close
Living in Memory / Helen (Bride Of Cow) Nelander (Internet Friend )Read >>
Living in Memory / Helen (Bride Of Cow) Nelander (Internet Friend )
Vicki, you are in my thoughts.
I have not forgotten, and will not forget, you beloved Brian. He was a good friend, always supportive, ready with a kind word or a quick joke, and able to know which was needed.
No one can tell you why,but still you question. No one can ease your pain,but still they try. No one can ever understand,not even you. So you grieve,you question,you hurt,you cry. He's gone,but not forgotten and memories are good, But memories can't hold you when you're alone in the night You long for the feel of his arms once again,the touch of his lips on yours You need to feel his breath on your face,filling your heart with his light. The days pass,first one and then another. Life happens and you watch it and wonder Will I never smile,feel joy and laughter? How will I go on now, What comes 'After'? And one day you realize..you smiled at his memory. Just a small one,and fleeting though it may be, It's the first time you've felt able to look back And feel though he's gone,he's saying 'remember me' Remember the man Remember the life you shared.. Remember the love
May God grant Brian perfect peace and may He shine his grace upon you,Vic,and give you comfort and strength.
To Vicki / Ruth Kade (Friend to Vicki )
Thinking of you today Vicki and sending you love and good thoughts. I know your heart is aching and your arms feel so empty. But, as I, I know you are also feeling so grateful for the privilige of having Brian in your soul journey. For without that, where would you be??He completed you, he made your journey a much better one and I hope some where he is awaiting you, to finish the journey that you started together, as soulmates.. Hang strong, keep looking ahead to those days when you will be together again..This journey cannot be finished yet, only postponed for awhile...your love awaits...You found each other in this vast, big world and you will find each other again, when its time..You will have so much to tell him, so much love to show him...Again..when its time..Your time and His.. Hugs, Ruth Close
Missing Our Friend / Nancy &. Larry Salsman (friend)Read >>
Missing Our Friend / Nancy &. Larry Salsman (friend)
((((((((((((((((((Vicki))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) We so wish we could simply turn back the clock for you and let this all be such a terrible nightmare. Our heart aches for you. Brian, was one of a kind. We certainly miss all the laughs we shared at the 108.
You were indeed the light of his life. His eyes sparkled when he mentioned your name. The last stop for us to meet the two of you was at the 108. Lots of laughs shared among friends at that table. The 108 will never be the same for any of us.
Take care of you! We are surrounding you with prayers and know that we're sending you lots of love and hugs. Close
April 26.....2005 Remembering the fear, frustation & panic / Vicki (wife)Read >>
April 26.....2005 Remembering the fear, frustation & panic / Vicki (wife)
Wishing I could turn back time & be able to do something to keep you alive & here with me....with US.
I miss you so much. My heart is hurting so much today....but then it hurts everyday.
April 25..... 2005 Our last "I love you" / Vicki (wife)Read >>
April 25..... 2005 Our last "I love you" / Vicki (wife)
2 yrs ago today was the last time we talked. Our last words to eachother were "I love you"
Then, somehow the monster found you. I tried to find you & get you to talk to me for the next 48 hrs.
God, it all feels so near to me....like I am living it all over again. How I wish I could change the ending. Close
Leaving for the coast 2yrs ago today / Vicki (wife)Read >>
Leaving for the coast 2yrs ago today / Vicki (wife)
Honey, I remember this day of 2 yrs ago so clearly. I was so sick with pnuemonia. You asked me if I had gotten bottled water for you. I said no...I had forgetton. You were hardly out of the laneway & I remembered I had gotten some but it was still in the pickup truck. I called your cell. You pulled over down the road. We had a good laugh. You hugged me & kissed me goodbye again...saying I love you.
You told me to wait a minute. You put the water in our big truck & came back over to me .
You held me so tightly...and kissed me with such passion. You took my breath away. We said "I love you" again.
You held & kissed me like it was the last time you'd ever do that! Did you know then it would be? Most days, I think you did.
I went there today. I looked at the missing Harley sign & smiled through my tears. The sign is gone & so are you. I have one but not the other.
I have you in my mind & heart. Baby, I miss you so much. This next few days is horrible for me..... as I approach your last days.... the monster coming to get you. The fear I was feeling when you went missing for 48 hrs. Then the horror of what you did.
My heart breaks over & over. I wish I could reach back through time to keep you safe.
I know I can't, but that doesn't stop me from wishing.
The light of Vicki's eyes / Susan McTier (Friend to Vicki )Read >>
The light of Vicki's eyes / Susan McTier (Friend to Vicki )
Vic, my friend... How I hurt for you today especially on Brian's birthday. I think of you each and every day. I just know that Brian, Tony and Louie have found each other and are planning "yo yo's" now. Brian is in good company with them. I am also in good company with you as a friend. Even though we are worlds apart, it seems, I feel so close to you and want you to know you can always count on me to be here for you. Remember honey, Today is the Tomorrow you worried about Yesterday. Brian will always be with you. Be kind to yourself and follow my instructions: put your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder, give a big ole squeeze and rock from side to side. That is me and Brian hugging you. Luv you. Susan Close
BLESSED are those who recognize our grief is compounded; that we grieve the death of a beloved person but foremost, we grieve the cause of the death...suicide.
BLESSED are those who give us permission to mourn the loss of one dearly loved, free of judgment, censure and shame.
BLESSED are spiritual guides who relieve our concerns for the repose of our loved one's soul with the truth that God is All-Knowing, All-Loving and All-Forgiving.
BLESSED are those who don't offer the meaningless cliché, "Time Heals", because, for a long while, the passing of time holds no meaning or value for us.
BLESSED are those who don't say, "I know just how you feel", but instead say, "I am here for you. I will not tire of your tears or your words of sorrow and regret."
BLESSED are those who have the patience and love to listen to our repetitive obsession with WHY? without offering useless answers or explanations.
BLESSED are those who reaffirm the worth of our deceased beloved by sharing memories of his/her goodness and times of fun, laughter and happiness.
BLESSED are the mental health care providers who explain to us that, very probably, our loved one died of a terminal illness called depression.
BLESSED are those who challenge our sense of omnipotence with the reminder that no one has enough power or control over another to cause them to end their life.
BLESSED are the first responders to our loved one's suicide who try to relieve our sense of guilt and responsibility by assuring us "This death is not your fault".
BLESSED are those who lend acceptance to the value of the relationship we shared with the one who died by allowing us to speak of them and 'what might have been'.
BLESSED are those that allow and encourage us to use our loved one's death in a manner that gives our loss and grief meaning and purpose.
BLESSED are those who do not expect us to find "closure", "grief resolution", "recovery" or to "be healed", understanding that these terms define 'grief work in progress' that will take the rest of our life. BLESSED are community caregivers who direct us to suicide bereavement support groups where our anguish is understood, our loss validated and where we are encouraged by the example of others who have traveled this road before us.
BLESSED are long-term survivors after suicide who role-model not only can we survive, but, in time, we can thrive…we can regain peace of mind, restored confidence, renewed productivity and a revived zest for living.
You asked, "How are you doing?" As I told you, tears came to my eyes...and you looked away and quickly began to talk again. All the attention you had given me had drained away. How am I doing?" I do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two. This pain is indescribable. If you've never known it, you cannot fully understand. Yet I need you. When you look away, I am again alone with it. Your attention means more than you can ever know. Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know! They're nature's way of helping me to heal.They relieve some of the stress of sadness ....but you are wrong. The memory of my loved one's death will always be with me, Only a thought away. My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did notgive me the pain...it was already there. When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, Not knowing what to do? You are not helpless, And you don't need to do a thing but be there. When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow,you've helped me You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need. Be patient...do not fear. Listening with your heart to "how I am doing" relieves the painfor when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter. Talking to you releases what I've wanted to say aloud,clearing space for a touch of joy in my life. I'll cry for a minute or two... and then I'll wipe my eyesand sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later. When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots...because I'm trying to protect YOU from my tears. Then we both hurt ME, because my pain is held inside,a shield against our closeness and YOU, because suddenly we are distant. So please, take my hand and see me through my tears...then we can be close again.
As the hawks cries fade into the distance, the heartbreaking howl of the wolf fills my soul, go in peace LghtiningHawk we will help her all we can.
Debin April 28, 2005
THE ELUSIVE HAWK
Where is that elusive hawk, That once cried and soared above? Could it be he knows the wolf Is mourning for her love? Perhaps he knows his presence now, Might be too much for her to bear, So silently he flies above, The wolf, she knows not where. But when that elusive hawk Feels the time is right, Maybe just at sunset, When dark begins the night, The wolf will gaze into the skies And long for her true love, And she will feel his presence, As he soars the skies above. But just as the hawk must fly, So the wolf must mourn, Until she has the time to heal, Our wolf will be forlorn.
By Linda Mathers May 23, 2005
MY DEAREST BRIAN.. MY LOVE
What can be said to let you know That you're missed beyond belief, Your Wolf has tried to be so strong, But weakened by my grief.
The broken heart you left behind, Still hurts because you're gone, But hopes to feel a little peace, With the breaking of each dawn.
At night I look up to the stars, .For one that shines so bright, While longing for the warm embrace, Which used to hold me tight.
The Forget-Me-Nots will bloom again, Just as they did last year, And you shall not be forgotten, For you are always near. You are in every ray of sunshine, And every breeze that blows, In each drop of summer rain, Or dainty flake of snow.
I'll try my love, to make you proud, As I try to make it through, But it's really hard my love, Because my heart keeps missing you.
Remembering the love we shared,
The Wolf continues to howl a mournful cry for her lost love...the Hawk.